In my last post, I talked about the Loyal Soldier and how it needs to be brought home, welcomed, loved endlessly and molded to reflect and help us with our current reality than the battles it has fought before with us.
I believe our subconscious is built up of every learning, every survival strategy that we formulated till the conclusion of our childhood, sometimes even starting from our past lives as a lesson that our soul decided to learn during its time on Earth in these bodily vessels. We never realize it but as adults they still form the basis for most of our decisions. Our dreams are a direct result of our subconscious. Hence, if I need to try and understand my subconscious, I must understand my childhood better and understand what were my first traits and how I added to them by the time I became self-reliant, which would be close to being age 22.
Even if I try, I can’t remember beyond the time I started attending my first school. I used to reach school alone usually traveling by school bus and as I’m told, I used to come home asleep with my bags and water bottle thrown far away from me. I may have learnt solitude and sleep from that experience. Solitude came to me in various experiences and this is something I’m very proud of. It has always made its presence felt and it is often my go-to place. Not necessarily in the woods or someplace quiet but some instance when I’m not disturbed – I could be alone or with a crowd, just undisturbed. I learnt that I never experienced fears that most people face because I didn’t even know them. That’s the advantage of being thrown into the sea when you don’t know how to swim – there are only 2 options – learn to swim or drown. And I got imbibed with this self-reliance so early, I don’t practically know how to depend on others and it hurts me when I get sucked into situations where I have no control. For the longest of time, I despised people who would show me my fear of depending on them but I’ve come to embrace it, and in some ways embracing them too. I’ve begun to see the world as flawed as it is and that everything is perfect in its own imperfect way, as am I. This feeling has helped me resolve a lot of internal conflicts, as it has stopped me from being over-critical about myself. I forgive myself much easier these days, not that my standards have dropped, just that I’ve stopped expecting so much from myself.
The other events I remember are when I was very young when my parents decided that my brother and his friend would accompany me to school when their own schools started. I remember gathering a sense of responsibility and love for my brother that I don’t feel for anyone else. It is this love that has carried forward as I’ve grown into this adult mature self.
When I was in 5th standard, I remember how my teacher praised my first ever original piece, an autobiography of a coin. She told my parents how original and creative I was and how she loved the simplicity that reflected a 10 year old boys mind. It was the first time I felt special and recognized. The piece was sent to the principal who appreciated me too. The subject then became one of my favorites. I aced it in most exams after that. From that experience, I learnt the feeling of being appreciated and how it pushed you for the better. There is no competition with others, just yourself, to get better. It isn’t about showing off either. Just a calmness. It pushed me to reading, writing, singing in a language that isn’t my own but I nonetheless embraced it like mine.
As for the incidents I told in my post My Inner Child – Family, I still don’t know what kind of a mill have those been churning inside my mind. I don’t know what I learnt from them, just that I don’t trust anyone. There seems to be a wall around me ready to push anything and everything away even before they have a chance to display their care and compassion.
But I also learnt deep compassion and an impeccable desire to understand the insides of a person. I love listening to people, not to judge them but to add to my perception. The expression I often use when I’m surprised by someone is – “Oooooohhh!”. This world has become a source of a different type of knowledge for me, one that I am certain I wouldn’t and couldn’t have learnt in academia. I love how people display emotions, always trying to cover up their deepest hurts, and yet falling short. I love watching how their minds tick. I love their shortcomings and it helps me reflect on my own life and learn how flawed I am.
In my first ever fight with a fellow student in my school, which was nothing but a push to a giant, I learnt that I carry power in my body that can’t be misused. It can hurt for I saw him flying across the breadth of the classroom and land butt first in a dustbin. As funny as it was, as I reflect on it now, it makes me wonder, how pregnable I must have felt then that I took this step. I’ve fought a lot, but only with my brother. As I reflect now, all of my fights with him were efforts of me trying to bully him, to make him feel small, to cover up for the lack of respect I felt from everywhere and everyone else. I felt I was never taken seriously unless I had met with an accident myself or gotten sick. I’m thankful to the universe that he grew up to the kind of man that most men aspire to be, myself included. He took the challenge to always reply to my hits even though he was significantly smaller. And I now thank him for hurting me and congratulate him that all of his attacks on me taught him something that I never had a chance to learn for I was the elder one in our family. He took it upon himself to grow out of my shadow, and he chose creativity as his way out. How I wish my parents had granted me my wish to start writing at the age of 9.
Nevertheless, I am writing now, because if I don’t write now, I may hurt myself irreparably. I am growing out of the shadows of my former self, empowering myself – physically, mentally and the best of all spiritually.